I’ve wished.

Ally, spelled the way it is, is usually used to describe a comrade or partner. My middle name, Elaine, means light. And my last name, Mills, means you live by, or work in a mill. Or at least my ancestors did, somewhere down the line.

Along with being a writer and loving to read. Many times I’ve found myself, following characters along their paths, and I’ve wished for names such as theirs. I mean, Ally Elaine Mills. Are you kidding me? Compared to Adelaide Azalea Ivory or Dante di Alessandro Casella. What is my name? Partner and light. Ugh. Mill worker? Don’t even mention it!

Who wants to hear about such a generic name? 6 vowels, 5 L’s, 9 consonants, and a billion yawns - to be perfectly exact. Who wants ‘Ally Mills’ embossed on a shiny, glossy new book cover? No one, that’s who.

But, being me, I decided to dig a little deeper. With sources other than the internet and the Names.org site. To see what a name; my name; really means to me. To me, many things of great importance are not on the internet. Too many minds and too many thoughts for everything to be recorded on the vast, endless source of information and opinions. Things, such as this.

I believe that many people's names have more meaning than the literal meaning. Take Suzanne Collins, author of the Hunger Games, for a moment. Suzanne means lily. Now I think this is kinda funny. This incredible woman created a world full of destruction, hate, fear, death, and redemption. And her name means - lily. Something so precious and fragile. She made a name for herself. And I believe part of what our name means, is what we make of it. Not just what the world tells us it means.

So considering my name once more. Ally: Friend and partner, I actually think that this name explains me somewhat. I don’t usually have a problem with finding friends and usually have very good, trustworthy, kind friends. Elaine meaning Light. And reflecting on this, maybe my 1st and middle name have more than a small connection. The world we live in is cruel. No doubt about that. And to have a good friend, you need to be a good friend. And maybe the reason I have such reliable friends is because of a reflection of my actions. And with my middle name, in this world being a good friend could be a ‘light’ in the darkness, for those who may need a friend.

And now Mills: Mill worker. Not much meaning except the generic, straightforward, mill worker. But going past the literal meaning, I would say my last name suits me more than I first realized. I’m generalizing a bit, but you would imagine that if you worked in a mill, and lived in the time period when you were named after your profession. You would probably be a very dedicated, hard worker.

And that describes my family, let alone me, extremely well. I am very dedicated about most things I do, even if I don’t enjoy doing it at all. I enjoy working hard and accomplishing something that was or is difficult for me. Much like reading a boring book. Unlike most others who quit, I don’t. Even if I’m dragging my feet the whole way, I have to finish it. Because I committed to it and for some reason, I feel obligated to finish. Or else, in my twisted mind, I am somehow lesser of a person because I failed to finish a simple book. Just because it was boring.

And when it comes to names, everyone has the literal meaning of their name. But I believe only some people realize they can make something out of it. To come up with a meaning all on their own. What they feel is important to make of it. Even if that legacy only replays in their mind. And I’ve got the rest of my life to make myself proud of my name. Because no name is stupid, or boring, or inconvenient. Not unless you make it something to be proud of. Such as a friend - Ally - who has the ability to be a light in others lives - Elaine - and hardworking - Mills. Ally Elaine Mills has a bigger meaning to you now than it did at the beginning. Doesn’t it?

I’ve wished for names such as theirs. But no names are as mine. No name is what I’ve made, and will make of mine.

Only in such moments

I know that everyone has, at multiple times, had one of those days. You know. One of those days. Everything is wrong. Nothing turning out right. And you keep telling yourself to listen to the advice you've seen everywhere, so many times. To not expect certain things from situations or people and then get frustrated when it doesn't turn out how you wanted it to.

And everyone around you doesn't seem to get how annoyed they make you feel. And then as you think that you feel guilty and rude for thinking it. 

Ugh. How do I explain this right? When everyone tries to make you feel okay by pretending you're fine. Or just smiling at you, or trying to make you laugh. And it almost works but you don't want to stop being angry or frustrated, because then they know that they got to you and you don't want anyone to have that kind of power over you.

And when you feel so strongly, about something. That you want to hurt, destroy and break something over and over again, that it physically hurts you when you realize how incapable you are to do that. Or when you want to run as fast and far as you can. Or when you want just to be alone. But you can't stay in the bathroom for long because everyone is waiting for you, and you have to put on a brave face.

And then someone you really, truly care about asks you 'what's wrong?' And you want to confide in them that your world is coming apart as you feel yourself dividing into two. An inner struggle. But the way they ask you just makes it worse. Because they ask you as though nothing is wrong, when the words pouring out of their mouths are the complete opposite of what they're portraying. And even if you could explain it to anyone they would never understand and it would make you feel more alone.

When you want to bawl your eyes out and break down in the worst way possible but your family is watching you so closely that you feel as if you're going to suffocate. And when you feel out of breath and claustrophobic because of their worry towards you. You just want to cry harder. But even when you get some alone time, they are still just a room over and you can't make a sound without them sounding the cavalry and coming to your aid in the most inconvenient way possible for your heart.

And you want to be kind to them and you want everything to be okay. And you want to have a fun time, but you just can't bring yourself to do it. Not because you won't. But because you can't. You feel this tangible wall surrounding you. Not necessarily surrounding you but filling you to your core.

You know what you want. But you can't even damage that wall, can't even scratch it. And it hurts. It hurts like hell. Because you feel yourself giving up when you want to fight. You feel yourself fight when there's no chance. And you think. Well maybe I could get over the wall. And you try. You try so hard that your bleeding on the inside because you don't want to give up but each time you try, the wall gets thicker and higher and you feel so small.

So small, and so useless because you can't do what you want the most. 

You can't have a fun time with your family at the bowling alley as they try to halfheartedly cheer you on. Hoping to cheer you up as you glare at them while they try to take pictures and videos. And you glare because you can't let yourself falter and give away just how hard you're trying not to cry. 

But in this, you lash out at them. Any little thing they do setting you off. And you hate it because you feel so hopeless and horrible. And you try to get in control again but someone else has decided to take over.

And when you realize, hours after the frustration has worn off and you're just left with the sadness, that you are so lucky to have a family like this. That even though they can be the most annoying people ever. They have such big hearts and they love you. To no end. And it breaks your heart all over because of how you treated them and continue to treat them because you can't let them win. And then when you feel that feeling you hate yourself all over again because that is so stupid. You can't let them win? What are you thinking? Are you really that stupid as to think that, that is something important?

And you try to be good and kind. You really do. But that's what the wall likes to do. Make you want to do or be something so badly, so that it can break you down slowly. And you try to regulate your feeling and what you say but your filter is gone and you end up with a whole slew of hurt in your wake.

But after deep thought and thorough pondering. You begin to understand that you can't just expect to go over or through that wall all on your own. Or just one try. You can't take it down in a day. but you have to continue to chisel away at it. Working at it day by day, sometimes recruiting help. And you see that it doesn't seem as impossible as before.

And then you realize how many times you said and. :P

Limited Edition

Many a times I have heard my friends laugh and say "You're so weird Ally" I laugh and agree, then return the favor. I actually take being called weird a compliment. I am weird and I embrace it. I think that too many people are afraid of being noticed for something other than being cool, attractive or popular, or just being noticed in general. Afraid to be anything other than ordinary. 

Something that I have thought about and been upset about often is the fact that there is so much low self esteem in the world. The thought that 'I'm not good enough'. I've never really struggled with this myself, but I still see the struggle around me. I hate to see my cousins, friends, family members and even people I've never even talked to before, think so lowly about themselves. I'm kinda going off on a tangent here but it's all true and I always feel so puzzled as how to convince them that they are worth so much, that they are amazing and that it is okay to be different. 

I love being weird. Seeing all the almost horrified looks I get as I skip down the hallways at school or sit on top of the desks. I love the quote above because we can't and shouldn't water ourselves to please other people. I don't feel like I can emphasize this enough. We need to not be afraid to stand up for ourselves and have a voice. To speak with conviction. To be weird and unique.

I love this video because it really does emphasize just how much we are unsure of ourselves even when we are speaking. So afraid to be wrong that we don't speak with conviction. We let others be sure of what we are too afraid to be sure of.

And I understand, I still sometimes worry about what people think of me and am too afraid to be wrong that I just don't do anything about it. But we can't just let the fear of our peers run our life and stop us from living life to the fullest.

        

Generously Given, Happily Accepted, and Deeply Appreciated

Oh my gosh, there are oh so many things to talk/write about. But I guess today I'll settle on some thanks to my friends who help me survive the world.

I have many different groups of friends.

School friends

Church friends

Old school friends
Old, old schools friends :)

Old neighborhood friends
And

Cousin friends

Many many friends as you can tell by my very artfully crafted list that took me like 20 seconds to type. :)

If anyone reading this knows me, they know that I can be incredible crazy and sometimes pretty insane. Hopefully leaning toward the funny side, not the annoying. As I was browsing the Internet as always I found this and I just love it. It totally explains me and my relationships with friends.

Or usually I just find people who are equally as crazy as me. And sometimes even crazier, borderline of insane. Just kidding. But seriously.

I can remember in 7th grade just dancing around in the hallways making up an 'Ally Dance'. And one time wearing a scarf on my head in 4th grade. And many, many, other embarrassing things that I will not mention.

I'm crazy and I'm glad that all my friends, from many different places, have come to accept me for who I am, and who deal with my crazy.

To all my friends...

Sawyer

Shay

Sydney

Logan

Amber

Hannah C.

Jayten

Marissa

Jeremiah

Cheyenne

Hannah B.

Victoria

Taylor

Bella

Isabelle

Kaitlin
Vanessa

Katie

Makai

Megan

Rachel

Abby

Ellie

Ainsley

Alena

Jacie
Marijon
Ashley
Clarissa

and Emma

           

It's Just the Beginning

For about almost four years now, I have discovered the art of creative writing, and have also discovered along with it my love for writing. I have wanted to be an author for about as long as that too. So far I have been using my blog for more of a scrapbook about my family trips than anything else. But now I would like to make it more a 'cork board' of sorts, full of my random ideas of about....basically everything. 

I guess this will kinda be my half personal, half not personal 'journal' for anyone reading this. Somewhere to put my random thoughts and spurts of inspiration.

I highly doubt anyone will ever come across this blog, most likely due to intense security settings and that blogs really aren't used or browsed that often anymore.

But I hope that maybe some day, some person that I may or may not know. That, that person will come across this collection of my racing brain, that never really latches onto one idea for too long and will enjoy reading my little rants and random thoughts.

I'm 14 yrs old.

It's 10:32.

April 12th, 2016.

I was supposed to be in bed 32 minutes ago

and I am feeling highly exhilarated and inspired.

I'm ready to get started. 

Are you?

(I feel so awesome, and a little cheesy. But that's what I do.)

Choice and Accountability; Modest is Hottest

Choice and Accountability

Modesty~10 hour Personal Progress Project~ By: Ally Mills

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I will choose 

GOOD OVER EVIL

and will accept

RESPONSIBILITY

for my decisions

Joshua 24:15

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DRESS AND APPEARANCE~FOR THE STRENGTH OF YOUTH

In For the Strength of Youth pamphlet, the section, Dress and Appearance, it says that if you dress modestly you can show that you are a disciple of God. For us women and young women it is especially hard. We want to stay up with the latest trend or to look "hot", or you just can't find anything that is modest (the most used excuse for women today). I know that it is really hard to find cute and trendy clothes that are modest, from personal experience. But if you try and try and try again you are truly showing that you are a disciple of God. Most people, when they dress immodestly are trying to get attention. Now this doesn't help anyone. It doesn't help the young men. Us young women. And it doesn't help yourself. It makes you feel like people only want you for how good you look or how pretty you are. And no one wants that. Some people think that it will make people like you better. Especially boys. But if you do that, the only boys that you are going to attract are not the upstanding and righteous boys we want around us and in our lives.

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MODEST IS HOTTEST
We want to stand out and be noticed. But how is that possible when you're skirt goes down to your knees or lower, instead of high up on your thighs? Or the top of your dress or shirt isn't a couple inches lower? We do stand out. Everyone has high skirts and low shirts. We stand out! We look different. And you know what? It's okay! I do not hesitate to say that you can look attractive with out being immodest! MODEST IS HOTTEST! And I mean it.
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COMMANDMENT NOT A RULE
Some of us women and young women try to bend modesty to be closer to what the world defines beauty as. This is wrong. We all know this. Modesty is there so that we can keep ourselves worthy for blessings, it is also there to help us resist temptation, and it is a commandment. A commandment is a promise not a rule. It's your choice whether or not you follow it, and keep your promise with God.
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MIRRORS~THE TRUTH
How long have we told ourselves that mirrors tell the truth about who we are and what we are worth? We have all been or have been doing this for TOO LONG! We need to STOP IT! All our lives we have been told by the world that we need to look good on the outside. But what about who you are on the inside, where it matters the most. We spend TOO much time in front of the mirror. Many of my friends say that they are not beautiful. LADIES!!! LYING IS A SIN!!! It is time for everyone to realize that they are beautiful and I'm not just talking about the outside.
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OUR OWN ENEMY
When others criticize is we are told to let it roll off our backs and sometimes it works. But what about when you are the one criticizing yourself? What do you do? Please apply the following: STOP IT! We already have enough critics in this world. Why add one more? The most effecting one of all. We look at ourselves and don't like what we see. Let me ask. What is it doing for you? Nothing. What is it doing to you? Making you hate yourself and lowering your self esteem. Embrace who you are  AND what you look like. You have beauty beyond compare. Believe it yourself. I know everyone knows it. But do you know it? Comparing yourself to others is as pointless as counting the blades of grass in your neighbors yard. Comparing yourself to others gets you nowhere. What matters is on the inside. That's where your beauty lies. You beauty is also on the outside. Maybe you just haven't noticed it yet.
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IN HIS EYES
Heavenly Father loves us for who we are. Flaws and all. Not for what we look like. What we wear or what our makeup looks like. He is so proud when we wear modest clothing and stay upstanding righteous women and young women. He is even more proud of us when we accept who we are and how beautiful we already are. When we falter or slip us He is there with open arms to help you get back on the right path, of the word of wisdom and modesty. He will never give up on you and will always be there for us.
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I NEED MY MAKEUP
I understand that is is fun to wear makeup and to dress up. But TOO MANY women and young women think they need their makeup and jewelry to make them shine and stand out and to look pretty or "hot". YOU DON'T NEED IT! At my school we have an "opening camp" on the second week of school. My friend form school was constantly fretting about if she looked good. She would ask my other friends and I if she looked good or if she needed to fix her hair.
One morning she comes up to me. Something obviously making her upset. So I asked her what the matter was. These were her exact words. "I need my makeup" She was frantic. My other friend and I tried to explain to her that she doesn't need makeup and that she looks beautiful without it.
She didn't listen  I know this isn't a problem with my friend. IT is a problem with all of us. Even me. Sometimes I forget that I don't need worldly things to make me beautiful even though God made me perfectly. I am already beautiful. I am a Daughter of God. You are a Daughter of God. NEVER FORGET THIS!
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YOU
If you try to change yourself to look and act like everyone else. How can you be in  the "large and spacious building" and not there at the same time? You can't. You'll have to choose. To: Dress modestly, staying righteous and attracting the right kind of guys into your life. Or: Dress immodestly, not keeping the word of wisdom, and attracting the wrong kind of guys.
We stand out and you don't need a shorter skirt or lower shirt to emphasize that or to try to stand out when you stand out more and in a better way than when you are dressing immodestly. Rather than dressing modestly.
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You are strong

You are kind

You are beautiful

You are smart

You are important

You are amazing

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Temple Square

This week my family went down to Temple Square to look at the spring scenery. It was gorgeous! 

This happened multiple times. We had to take multiple pictures of us because of weird positions or faces. Isn't it like that with every family?

 It took a while to convince Evelyn to let me put my arm around her shoulder. Typical everyday sibling life. :)

We took some stunning pictures of the Salt Lake Temple.

The pictures below are all on top of the roof of the Conference Center it was SO cool!

Sorry! My younger brother likes to photo bomb.

This is one of my favorite pictures in this whole blog post!

Don't forget to go to Temple Square...in the spring. It is breath taking.