I know that everyone has, at multiple times, had one of those days. You know. One of those days. Everything is wrong. Nothing turning out right. And you keep telling yourself to listen to the advice you've seen everywhere, so many times. To not expect certain things from situations or people and then get frustrated when it doesn't turn out how you wanted it to.
And everyone around you doesn't seem to get how annoyed they make you feel. And then as you think that you feel guilty and rude for thinking it.
Ugh. How do I explain this right? When everyone tries to make you feel okay by pretending you're fine. Or just smiling at you, or trying to make you laugh. And it almost works but you don't want to stop being angry or frustrated, because then they know that they got to you and you don't want anyone to have that kind of power over you.
And when you feel so strongly, about something. That you want to hurt, destroy and break something over and over again, that it physically hurts you when you realize how incapable you are to do that. Or when you want to run as fast and far as you can. Or when you want just to be alone. But you can't stay in the bathroom for long because everyone is waiting for you, and you have to put on a brave face.
And then someone you really, truly care about asks you 'what's wrong?' And you want to confide in them that your world is coming apart as you feel yourself dividing into two. An inner struggle. But the way they ask you just makes it worse. Because they ask you as though nothing is wrong, when the words pouring out of their mouths are the complete opposite of what they're portraying. And even if you could explain it to anyone they would never understand and it would make you feel more alone.
When you want to bawl your eyes out and break down in the worst way possible but your family is watching you so closely that you feel as if you're going to suffocate. And when you feel out of breath and claustrophobic because of their worry towards you. You just want to cry harder. But even when you get some alone time, they are still just a room over and you can't make a sound without them sounding the cavalry and coming to your aid in the most inconvenient way possible for your heart.
And you want to be kind to them and you want everything to be okay. And you want to have a fun time, but you just can't bring yourself to do it. Not because you won't. But because you can't. You feel this tangible wall surrounding you. Not necessarily surrounding you but filling you to your core.
You know what you want. But you can't even damage that wall, can't even scratch it. And it hurts. It hurts like hell. Because you feel yourself giving up when you want to fight. You feel yourself fight when there's no chance. And you think. Well maybe I could get over the wall. And you try. You try so hard that your bleeding on the inside because you don't want to give up but each time you try, the wall gets thicker and higher and you feel so small.
So small, and so useless because you can't do what you want the most.
You can't have a fun time with your family at the bowling alley as they try to halfheartedly cheer you on. Hoping to cheer you up as you glare at them while they try to take pictures and videos. And you glare because you can't let yourself falter and give away just how hard you're trying not to cry.
But in this, you lash out at them. Any little thing they do setting you off. And you hate it because you feel so hopeless and horrible. And you try to get in control again but someone else has decided to take over.
And when you realize, hours after the frustration has worn off and you're just left with the sadness, that you are so lucky to have a family like this. That even though they can be the most annoying people ever. They have such big hearts and they love you. To no end. And it breaks your heart all over because of how you treated them and continue to treat them because you can't let them win. And then when you feel that feeling you hate yourself all over again because that is so stupid. You can't let them win? What are you thinking? Are you really that stupid as to think that, that is something important?
And you try to be good and kind. You really do. But that's what the wall likes to do. Make you want to do or be something so badly, so that it can break you down slowly. And you try to regulate your feeling and what you say but your filter is gone and you end up with a whole slew of hurt in your wake.
But after deep thought and thorough pondering. You begin to understand that you can't just expect to go over or through that wall all on your own. Or just one try. You can't take it down in a day. but you have to continue to chisel away at it. Working at it day by day, sometimes recruiting help. And you see that it doesn't seem as impossible as before.
And then you realize how many times you said and. :P
